I hate Costco, so now I'm going to rant about it.

Screw the idea of needing a license to have children, how about proving you're not a complete and total retard before you're allowed to have a cell phone? Today I went to Costco - a place I hate with every part of my being probably because the place is a veritable magnet for unthinking people who lose all sense of reason when they see free food kiosks - with my two children in tow. Yes, I realize taking the children was a mistake. Yes, I realize that I always complain about how much I hate Costco. Yes, I realize I should never, ever, EVER go there again, but sometimes Grandma needs some things and alas, I have to drag my hate-filled self to Costco and brush shoulders with the unwashed, unthinking masses.

Back to the cell phones, okay? Listen, people: when you're walking into a store and your phone rings, it is not necessary or even okay for you to stop in the middle of the doorway - sideways - and dig through your giant purse (wtf is with women and giant purses, do y'all keep dead bodies in there or what) to look for your phone. How about you walk your ass inside the store and take two steps to the right or left whilst retrieving your phone? How would that be? Thinking about others? NO WAI.

And when you choose not to, don't get all indignant when the five people whose entrance you've effectively blocked, thereby forcing them to stand outside in the 100+ degree heat, get pissed off at your idiocy. You deserved every stank look and comment you got, lady. And your stank looks shot in my general direction later on in the store, while still on the phone at the top of your everloving lungs? Shove them up your ass. You exist in a world with other humans; if you don't have the sense enough to realize that then people like me are going to make sure that you do. Don't block doors, don't talk on your phone at the top of your lungs in public and don't wack into people with your cart because you're too busy talking on the phone at the top of your lungs.

Also: parents who let their children run wild with the carts - what the hell is wrong with you? I get that it's summer and your kids are probably bothering you just as much as mine are, but hi? I have my own annoying little monkeys to contend with; I'd prefer not to have to contend with yours shoving a cart right up my ass while you're six aisles away looking at cheese. Pay attention to your children, people - even rotten kids like yours could get kidnapped and this is not something you're going to be able to prevent if you're six aisles away pondering what kind of cheddar your family needs this week. You aren't even going to need all of that cheese if your kids go missing, lady - and even if Joe Kidnapper doesn't gank them, someone else might punch them in the neck a la Bernie Mac (RIP) because they're running around the store like a fuckin' hoodlums and you? You will be the first one to scream foul because someone dared to tell your precious babies not to act like dicks.

The free food purveyors this week were a slice of heaven. First there was the very cute little gay boy with a very cute tiny mohawk (I loved him!) who wouldn't stop hugging Zachary - once he realized he was a boy, his reaction was hilarious - all the while pitching his very horrible mexican food. It was so, so, bad. He kept giving me one sample after another, each one worse than the one before it. It was terrible and I think I deserve an emmy or maybe even an oscar for my oh wow, that's really good performance. Then he tried to put several boxes of his shitty mexican food into my cart - you have corn dogs, so I know you do frozen food...take some of these, too! - and I had to keep telling him I'll think about it, knowing full well I had no intention of buying his disgusting food. (mom, you lied to him!) AND he was Mexican! How could he like this crap? It was awful. I know I'm like the whitest person in Los Angeles, but that doesn't mean I eat shitty Mexican food, okay? I throw down, and none of it is premade frozen crap. My Mexican mother-in-law doesn't need another reason to hate me, okay? I'm so sure.

Then there was the lady with the allouette cheese who took - literally - 30 seconds to spread some cheese on a cracker. I've never seen anything like it and really, as I stood there waiting for my children to get crackers (they were fourth in line, you do the math and figure out how long I was waiting for two mothereffin crackers) I contemplated just leaving the kids there and running away. Except that I don't really have any money and my gas tank is almost empty, so really: where would I go?

Why do bagels have high fructose corn syrup? Is this some fucked up joke? I feel like it is and I'm the only one who doesn't get it.

And now apparently the world is about to end because someone's light saber won't retract properly. I'm gonna rock someone's world I'll tell you what, and it's not going to be in the good sexy way, either. Nope.